2:01 – and here we go…

2:09 – Business class is kind of like normal coach except for some small exceptions: the seats are wider, there are footrests, electrical outlets, and a black lady who serves you. In many ways, business class is like the old South.

2:11 – there’s a blind kid sitting next to me on the train…wait…he just looked at me…I’m onto you, fraud. I’ve got a train playlist going…many of the songs are train related. Although, it must be noted that I’m currently listening to neil young’s “rocking in the free world.”

2:16 – it just sunk in…this train ride is going to take awhile.

2:18 – on the front page of USA Today it said jobless rate among veterans is 11.2% I find this weird. If you’re a baseball player, you have amazing job security: broadcasting. Soldiers can’t be broadcasters for war. The technology for play by play just isn’t there yet.

2:24 – best text message ever “Alex Horwitch: Worst puzzle idea ever. The white album by the beatles. 500 pieces double sides.”

2:26 – old boss called me…how does he know I’m going home…I don’t wanna work over break…I wanna relax over break. No little kids. Well…maybe…I never should’ve let him be my friend on facebook. He saw the status…

2:29 – what is Stevie wonder doing on my train mix? Oh that’s right, Stevie wonder belongs on every mix!

2:31 – just heard the message from tony. He’s asking if im going to be in town for break. He knows I am…he wants to talk about summer camp. It’s like this guy knows that I’m not gonna work. He’s good at guilt tripping. I always said no matter what, I would never hate my boss. I just couldn’t do it. But im starting to head in that direction…

2:35 – if “blind” kid gets up to take a piss, I’m going to expose him for the liar he is. Right here in front of everyone. I’ll be a hero to everyone. Unless, he actually is blind…but it’s alright, he wouldn’t be able to identify me in a police line up.

2:45 – my chip bag is 10 times the size of the shotglass of salsa they gave me. I forsee a disappointed clayton. But wait…my neighbor…theres a bag here but no one sitting there…I could take theirs!

2:46 – these chips look like Chinese noodles…
2:48 – everything looks like camarillo…it should be noted, I don’t like camarillo. I’m listening to of montreal. This music is fun…but It’s strange lyrics…if only these people could hear it…party train to “for our elegant caste?” wow…

2:50 – “blind” kid just took out a computer!!! What is this?!?!? Am I the only one watching?!?!?!

2:52 – business class has given me this “fuck everybody” attitude. It might be an “everybody fuck everybody” attitude but, then again, it might not. I just know that at the moment im ignoring the captain’s announcements. Maybe this attitude goes back to of montreal…

2:56 – my chips say on the back “exclusively distributed to the airline industry by…” oh my goodness…is this a magic flying train? Or am I just being served old chips? Very different extremes here.

2:58 – I feel like too many people have this misconception that if you’re making oatmeal cookies, you have to add raisins. This could not be farther from the truth. People of the world, you have a choice, and the power is yours!

3:01 – “blind” kid is on facebook. I don’t know what disturbs me more, the fact that this liar is now on the internet and using it well or that people would be friends with such a fraud!

3:07 – heres a headline I wished was cut short: palin accepts 69 END HEADLINE THERE. BOOM. STRAIGHT TO PRESS.

3:08 – Blind kid is sleeping…with his eyes closed. I don’t know how this is significant but I figured it might be important later when I talked to the authorities about this in an official hearing.

3:12 – most people hear “I’m on a boat” and think of t-pain. I think of p-reid. You learn a lot about your team when they play the same song 6 times at a dance party. But everytime, it’s like they’ve never heard it before. It’s like those people who play the same videogame over and over.

3:21 – years ago, some Spanish explorer saw these lands and celebrated. I sit here and wonder how long until I see buildings.

3:33 – we’re sitting and waiting for more people to get on the train…there’s nothing here…where are these people coming from?

3:43 – just got out of the bathroom. The closer I get to home, the more ply’s in the toilet paper…

3:58 – “blind” kid just headed back towards the snack car. He brought his cane. Looking for some sympathy? Boo hoo…he better not get free food for this.

4:04 – I just read in the paper that there’s going to be a cloudy with a chance of meatballs movie. Please Hollywood, please don’t fuck this one up.

4:36 – flapjack helps the time pass by so quickly…we’re about to get into Goleta…here come all the ucsb kids…they make me sick to my stomach.

4:37 – the black lady’s back! I thought she left us!

4:43 – Im no history major but even though this train stops a lot, it sure beats covered wagon…and dysentery.

4:46 – who was the first person to call someone dork? Are whales the only animals besides humans who’s genitalia names are used as insults?

4:48 – I think this dork guy was the same one who decided ambergris was okay to put in women’s perfume. Creep.

5:01 – even though the train isn’t moving, the conductor is still using the whistle…what’s he trying to prove?

5:02 – there’s a big dog store next to the santa Barbara train station. Im willing to swear on the bible that I thought big dog was no longer a company.

5:10 – the guy working the café car called me buddy so many times I feel like he knows me already or he’s confused me for a guy he knows named buddy. I also just noticed, “blind” kid wears glasses. That’s like putting wings on a boat.

5:13 – I don’t like chess. It’s so boring to me. nonetheless, I’m about to play my computer. Now is it smoke before fire or fire before smoke. Looks like we got a chicken and the egg situation going on here. Kind of like “blind” kid. Assuming that he actually is blind which he isn’t but for sake of example we’ll play along with his rouse, was he blind before or after he got glasses. Is he wearing them out of habit or in excess?

5:21 – I just beat the computer at chess. But, to the computer’s credit, the difficulty was really low and I hit the hint button a lot. Did I beat the computer or did the computer beat itself? Remember at the end of war of the worlds where our diseases killed the aliens? Despite that being a native American reference, could we (humans and scientologist) take credit for victory?

5:25 – someone googling Amtrak could come across this. But then again, so could someone googling “veteran unemployment rate” god help them both.

5:27 – the automobile and the car are very closely related. Except, the car can go off the rails. This makes me think of the train/car hybrid Autopia at disneyland. Was there this odd transistion period where cars were forced to ride with their wheels on both sides of a cement curb? Follow-up question: did they have a break pedal?

5:33 – I just checked my phone. Pitt beat ETSU 72-62. Well…that busts my bracket. The rest of march is gonna suck.

5:35 – we’re hitting ventura. Well, at least it’s the same county right? We just passed by a cross country course I used to run in high school. Cross country meets take up a lot of room…I kind of feel like a jerk right now.

5:38 – a guy who got on at the last stop (santa Barbara) just got off the train. He rode business class on a train for 40 minutes.

5:43 – it’s over 3 and a half hours on this train and I just realized that my seat isn’t fastened down on my side. My business class experience is ruined. As are my observation skills.

5:44 – the 10 seconds over the railroad bridge in ventura was the best thing ever. I’ve seen that railroad bridge more times than I can count. I finally got to go on it. Pretty neat-o. we call this personal development people.

5:47 – we’re in Oxnard…”blind” kid is getting off the train!!! I’m sitting eagerly at my window anticipating what his parents are like. Are they blind too? Are they con artists? I bet they’re enablers. Letting this kid pull this off. The scum that exists these days. I feel like a kid on Christmas eve…I can’t wait to find out.

5:48 – they’re not blind and they look really nice.

5:49 – I guess blindness isn’t hereditary. But, lying is…they looked too nice. Maybe I’m jealous. I really want to meet them. I want to sit down and talk to them. I want to know what it’s like to raise a “blind” kid. Do they treat him normal like some parents try to treat their actually blind kids or do they treat him like a normal kid because THAT’S ACTUALLY WHAT HE FUCKING IS!!! LIAR!!!! I hope one day he meets a really blind kid. Like super blind. That way he can feel bad.

5:52 – I just debated in my head what super blind means. It’s not possible, and my head hurts.

5:54 – it’s officially passed my new adapted SLO dinnertime. Im hungry and cranky.

5:56 – if people had to ride an Amtrak to vote on that high-speed rail measure, I think CNN could’ve called that one before the polls closed. Normal rail sucks. High-speed rail, you’re the obama of transportation.

5:58 – I take that back, I think that I’m required to state that blue Lamborghini’s are the official obama of transportation. Sorry young jeezy, keep up the good work, you’re a superstar in my book!

6:01 – USA vs. Japan in the WBC semi’s to see who goes to the championship game. That’s like Super Chef Bobby Flay going back in time and doing one of his cook off shows against the first caveman to cook his meat. The caveman would win because the local always wins but I would declare the winner to be science for setting up that match-up. That being said. I think USA is going to get smashed.

6:06 – I want to take this moment as the train is stopped to offer an analogy for the cutler situation. So cutler is the hot senior cheerleader girl at school and she found out her boyfriend (the broncos) was looking at another member of cutler’s cheer squad (cassel). Despite the fact that the next week, cassel was dating the captain of the basketball team, cutler still broke up with the broncos and now is on the market. This sucks for cutler’s best friend who has always been the shoulder for cutler to cry on yet has been surpressing his feelings for cutler all these years (the buccaneers) because now everyone wants cutler. The buccaneers just got degrassi’ed.

6:10 -  I used the show degrassi in my last example with my new term “degrassi’ed” now, I’ve never seen nor do I ever want to watch degrassi. I assume that this is kinda what the show is about. Except with the cfl cause it’s in Canada. I know nothing about the cfl. Anyway, I was thinking about making a show called “degrassi’ed” where situations like this happen all the time much like punk’d. in conclusion, shows with degrassi in the name fail. (degrassi, degrassi: the next generation, degrassi’ed). It’s really hard to use degrassi out of context too.

6:13 – that’s the quickest an idea has ever come into my head and died so suddenly. I must be growing up.

6:16 – the train lady is sitting next to me. this is so cool.

6:17 – she has internet, what a pro. I could learn from her. Learn her ways. Are apprenticeships still around? I might have to drop out of Cal Poly SLO and ride the rails for a while. I hope my mom understands.

6:20 – I think the kid behind me on the train is the one from david after dentist. Hopefully this is after dentist. That entire kid’s life is based off of situational comedy. We just know him as the silly kid on drugs.

6:25 – sitting and waiting for another train to pass by.

6:26 – the other train passed by. It was fast.

6:27 – next stop is it for the claytrain. I’m gonna pack my stuff up. This was a fun train ride, right? Well, only time will tell. I’m getting driven back up though. That’s not a question. Don’t answer it.

“try harder”

that’s why i would like to give you a list of people who need to “try harder.”

1) the boston celtics. they were doing well last night, and then the lakers caught back up. instead of winning the game, the celtics lost, causing me to yell “try harder celtics.”

2. whoever the fuck loads the toilet paper in the bathroom. i dunno if it’s on purpose but, whenever i grab some toilet paper, it gets caught on the second roll (the number 2′s number 2) and i’m left with a single sheet. i need at least 3. preferably 4.

3) the barenaked ladies. if it’s all been done, try harder.

4) me on posts.

fuck…i just found a good profile song too…

stupid strep…

that being said, i still just sat through all of i now pronounce you chuck and larry.

just not today.

the wii is fun.

2. ice ice baby. pelvic thrusts on the baseline. stripper gold people, stripper gold.

3. adagio for strings. i’m a romantic at heart.

4. everybody’s working for the weekend. i’d perform during the week. can’t work weekends. that’s when the crazies come out.

5. hurt. the johnny cash song. after a long long life spent in a downward spiral, i feel as though this would be a crucial step in communicating my life in my performance. an important part of an performer’s routine.

6. technologic. only, and i mean only, with strobe lights.

7. barbie girl. i also do children’s parties.

8. anything by the jonas brothers. see above.

9. hot n’ cold. i see a lot of potential. especially in the in and out line.

10. the theme to mr kotter. my fans are loyal. this would be a crowd pleaser. as would the t-shirt.